I can’t be blamed for my anxiety issues. I can’t be blamed for my actions/words said while having a panic attack. I can’t blame myself for not being “me” when I lose control of myself.
I’ve had anxiety for at least five years. It’s something I didn’t ask or wish to have, but it’s something I live with. It’s something that has put me on medication, it’s something that I can’t escape from. Mental and emotional disorders are so misunderstood, but they are real. Panic attacks, generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety, test/school anxiety, all of them are real.
I wouldn’t wish to have my worst enemy endure what I experience when my anxiety acts up. I lose control of myself, and who I am. Anxiety never goes away, it can be well hidden, but it does act up.
Just because you don’t see me crying in person, doesn’t mean I don’t sneak off to a shower at the end of a long day and bawl my feelings out. Just because I can be in social situations doesn’t mean that I don’t question if i’m wanted there, what everyone thinks of me, and feel out of place. Just because I come off as confident, happy, and talkative doesn’t mean I don’t have something internal going on.
I can’t explain what I feel when I get anxiety. It’s like all of a sudden, my entire body shuts down and it takes over. My thoughts get taken over, my words get taken over, and my breathing/body language gets taken over. I don’t ask to fly off the handle, and I don’t ask to over-analyze every little thing that happens. But, it happens more often than I would like it to.
I don’t use my anxiety as an “excuse” or an out. I don’t “make up” feeling the way that I do. I don’t “wish it upon myself”, and I definitely don’t blame others for it. Sure, I have triggers. And those triggers set me off 100x more than a normal person would be. But, don’t blame me for my disorder.
When I say I have to have things a certain way, I mean that if they don’t go that way my anxiety will act up. If get quiet all of a sudden, it’s so I don’t get angry and start lashing out on people because of what is going on internally. If I keep asking a million times about plans that aren’t set and stone, it’s because I get anxiety with scheduling. There will be good days, and there will be bad days. Lately, i’ve had more bad days than I have good days. I can’t say “i’m sorry” for my actions while having anxiety and a panic attack because there isn’t anything to be sorry for. I can’t apologize to myself for having anxiety, and I can’t apologize to my anxiety for being myself.